Hi Readers! Here's my
special love and romance column which appears in this month's That's
Beijing/That's Shanghai/That's Guangzhou magazines just in time for Valentine's
Day. Enjoy!
WHEN I became a father
of girls two things happened. Half the population laughed and rubbed their
hands together, chortling that I’d get my just desserts for how I’d treated
their people as a single man.
When I didn’t understand
this at all, I asked my wife for an explanation. When I didn’t understand that
either, I just dropped it.
The other thing was I
had to decide what approach I’d take to parenting. It seemed a simple choice
between two sets of values. At the one extreme was Victorian. Way down at the
other extreme came Edwardian.
In time, though, I opted
for “groovy”. I realised as the girls grew up there’d be no use fighting what
the heart wanted and nature demanded. I decreed the two of them could start
dating as soon as they turned 30.
But this Valentine’s
month I’m reeling in shock. Our eldest, Lani, is only eight but already the
heart-tingling idea of love has reared its ugly head. It’s only the third grade
but boyfriends and girlfriends are all the rage. In the wonderfully transparent
style of that age group, the targets of “crushes” have been firmly decided, and
publicly declared in formal announcements.
There’s also a game, a
bit like Truth or Dare, in which girls have to nominate boys at school in one
of four “categories of the heart”. It’s called Kiss, Marry, Punch, Kill. When I
heard about this I felt I had to step in and say something. It baffled our
girls a bit but I explained that when we grow up we usually attach ourselves to
just one person, and that that person ticks all four boxes. They’ll learn.
I didn’t start with
girlfriends until the ripe old age of 10. And contrary to a wealth of public
evidence, I treated women very sensitively indeed in the years before I
married. And then I stopped. No. You know what I mean.
It all started at a
grade five school camp, where everyone acquired a girl/boyfriend as a grown-up
thing to do while away from our parents, and with all the grace of piranhas on
a carcass.
My best friend was a
girl, Kerryn Johnstone. It seemed we were sat next to each other every year. I
figured this was fate, that our hearts should beat as one, and that we should
soar together like swans. Or maybe lobsters. It wasn’t until years later I
fully understood. We were sat together because of alphabetical order.
Kerryn and I decided we should
naturally become boyfriend and girlfriend, or "go with each other",
in the language of the time. The result, of course, was the immediate cessation
of all contact. We could no longer be seen within 50 meters of each other for
fear of being teased. This went on for several weeks. It was a huge relief that
our relationship finally got back on track when, also in the language of the
time, I "dropped" her.
Leanne Miller was next. She’d asked me to go with her four times before I acquiesced, telling her
softly that it was her “reward" for having "guts”. After a few weeks
of more no-contact I knew this one had also run its course. I respected her,
however, and felt it needed to be ended nicely. So I asked my friend Eddie
Foster to do it.
Eddie rose to the task
without a moment’s hesitation. In hindsight I wish he had hesitated, because at
that moment we were a good 20 meters from our class line-up when he screamed:
“Hey Miller! You’re DROPPED!”, and the poor girl shrank while everyone laughed,
etc etc.
I had my own heart
broken in turn a few weeks later by Sonia Favero. I loved her so, and had
fantasies about her. Being 10, these consisted mostly of me picturing myself
taking out the bins, without complaint, at the home we would share when adults.
But that ended abruptly when Sonia done me wrong with an unforgivable act of
betrayal. She had her hair cut short.
Nowadays, though, even
the third graders are into it. But as lunch with Lani and her friends revealed,
even at that age love is a battlefield.
One girl had been
convinced a particular boy was her soul mate, and that they should be together
"4 eva", until she made a shocking discovery. “Was he seen with
another girl?” I asked. No. Far worse. He was seen wiping his nose on his
sleeve.
Another boy had asked
Lani’s friend out on a date. I asked what a “date” could possibly mean at that
age, and was told that - “D’uh” - it meant a trip to the movies. This seemed
very grown up, but still the plan was scuppered by a problem fairly common to
the eight-year-old.
“He hasn’t got any
money,” the friend told me. “So he said he couldn’t buy me popcorn. I’m not
buying my own!”
Another girl was
similarly dismissive of Lani’s crush interest.
“He’s too short,” she
huffed.
“He’s only eight!” I
said. “Give him a break".
She was unmoved.
This girl was even able
to inform the group what sex is, owing to the fact she possesses that most
useful of things, a big brother.
“Well, the man lies on
his back and the woman gets on top of him,” she said. “And then the man puts
his penis in the woman’s vagina, and he stays there for about an hour and then
he takes it out.”
Thankfully, for my wife
was there, the big brother’s credibility was soon dashed by another revelation.
It’s a fair bet he’s the only person alive who knows what sex is - give or take
58 minutes - whilst still believing in Santa.
Then again, they’re
learning early these days.
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| I googled "young love" and got this. I was shocked. Little kids shouldn't be up to this sort of thing. But more importantly, where did he get the money for that? |
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| Ban this filth! Back in my day we had a far different way of approaching girls. |
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| The author on his first "date". |
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| Pop dickhead Miley Cyrus. I blame her getting about in her undershirt and putting her buttocks on men for inspiring girls to want to fraternise with the opposite sex far too early these days. She, too, should be banned, obviously. There are plenty of other "cool" female rock stars. |
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| What's wrong with a bit of this? |
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| Or this? |
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| And if it's racy clothes they want ... |
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| Phil Collins was wrong on many levels, but particularly when he said "You can't hurry love" - for kids today are showing that's exactly what you can do! Collins did prove, however, that you could hurry the end of love - by dumping a wife once by sending her a fax, rather than spend the extra time telling her face-to-face or getting his mate to do it. |
