Wednesday, September 26, 2012

TROOPS MOBILISE AS JAPAN TENSION MOUNTS

Meanwhile, somewhere inside the Chinese army ...

"PLATOOON HUUTT!

"RIGHT youuuuuu miserable lot - fall in and listen up! Lately, you may have noticed, there's been a lot of talk about the People's Liberation Army in the press. This is of course because our old friend Japan, imperial hegemonist that it is, has been committing acts of gross pig-headedness in relation to those magnificent pearls in the ocean, the pride and the very essence of China, the jewel in the crown of the People's Republic - I speak of course of the beautiful Diaoyu Islands. If this thing with Japan kicks off, we'd better be prepared, right?

"Now, we're a very big army. Biggest in the world! But a lot of those so-called 'experts' from the 'media' haven't been very flattering about us, have they? Especially after those photos of our intensive training exercise leaked out. Remember this?

"We didn't look all that hard, did we?   

"Looks more like a pop video than an  
army drill. Bloody Boyz 2 Men
or something.

"OK it was unfortunate we had to do that under a big picture of a teen hearth-throb, swarthy though he was. Sometimes in Beijing you've got to take what space you can find. Ask anyone who goes ballroom dancing on a median strip.

"But today, there's no mucking round, right?"

"NO SIR!"

"We're gonna ramp it up, and have ourselves some proper war games to toughen you blokes up, y'hear?!"

"YES SIR!"

"Then let's go!"

"First, trying our best not to walk on the yellow
bits because they're poison, we'll march to our
 new facility...

" ... under escort from our armoured division. 

"I want to make it clear we'll stop for nothing,
except in the eventuality that the
little man is red.

"Our new facility will be well appointed, with
places to dry your uniforms ...

"... and satellite TV so we can all watch the Aussie Rules
grand final - live and direct from Melbourne!"

"And then after that, we'll have ourselves a proper exercise. With real guns and everything!

"OK, Private Wang!"
"SIR!"
"You're on a stake-out. You need to keep your
weapon at the ready. You hold it up and look
along the barrel."
"Like this, Sir?"
"Like that Wang."

"Private Li, you go with him."
"Yes Sir!"
"This is the classic way to secure an area.
One man looks one way, his partner looks
the other way."

"Now Wang!"

"Sir?"

"This isn't just any area, is it Wang?"

"It's not, Sir?"

"No, Wang. It's not just any piece of dirt, is it Wang?"

"NO SIR!"

"It's not just some part of China that we're gonna let someone like Japan come in and take over, IS IT WANG?!"

"NO SIR!"

"It's far more than that, Wang! It's ... It's ..."

"It's a car park Sir?"







"Well no it's not just a car park, Wang. This is our car park.
There are other car parks like it, but this one is ours. This car
park is an inexorable part of sovereign China, which brooks
no interference from any outside force."
"Anyone, Sir?"
"Anyone, Wang."
"Well what's that bloke doing, Sir?"
"Which bloke?"
"Him int he pink shirt, Sir."

"Well he's just having a look. Probably out doing his shopping
or something. 

"What should our attitude be to people like this, Wang?"

"SHALL I SHOOT HIM, SIR!"
"No, no, no, hang on! You don't have to shoot him, Wang. We
don't just go around shooting our own people on big expanses
of inner-city concrete, man! Just leave him be. He's entitled to
watch. It's a free country."
"Is it, Sir?"
"Well, strictly speaking, no it's not."
"Well what then, Sir?"
"It's just an expression, Wang, OK?"
"Got it, Sir. An expression, Sir."
"But it is his army in a way. He's one of the people
we've liberated."
"He looks pretty free to me, Sir."
"Then we're doing our job, Wang. Now get back to
looking mean."

"HARRR! Like this Sarge?"
"Yes, pretty good. Remember, if the Japanese come, we've
got to scare the life out of them, you hear!?"
"YES SIR!"
"We've got to look mean!"
"
YES SIR!"
"And tough!""YES SIR!"
"Like we're taking no prisoners!"
"NO PRISONERS, SIR!"
"THREE MILLION OF THE BADDEST HOMBRES
YOU'VE EVER SEEN, YOU HEAR ME?!"

"YES SIR!"
"We've got to snarl, bare our teeth and ..."
"CAAAAR!""What?"
"Oooh, careful everyone! CAAAAR!"

"Yeah watch out for cars guys."
"Yes Sir."
"Never know what they're gonna do."
"Yes Sir!"
"You pretty much know what the Japanese are gonna do.
Colonise, terrorise, pillage ... that sort of thing. But cars
in Beijing, different kettle of fish."
"Yes Sir."
"Just keep your eyes on ..."
"PEDESTRIAN!"
"Oh for God's sake."
"CIVILIAN PEDESTRIAN INCOMING AT FIVE O'CLOCK!"

"OK, wait til she's gone."
"Almost gone, Sir."
"Safe distance?"
"Think so, Sir."

"Better point your guns away from her just in case."
"Yes Sir."
"You never know when those things are loaded."
"Yes Sir!"
"Now look at her."
"Sir?"
"She's what we're all about."
"She is, Sir?
"A proud Chinese person."


"How can you tell, Sir?"
"She's wearing a shirt that's all about
China, Wang."
"She is, Sir?"
"Yes, Wang. I think she may have wanted
the word Workers' up there before the
Paradise, but it's clear what she means, Wang."
"Yes Sir!"
"And we're doing it for her Wang."
"We are, Sir?"
"For her and her like, Wang. We're standing
on a wall, making sure she's free to do what
she wants."
"Like walking through an army drill, Sir?"
"Yes, Wang."
 "In a car park, Sir?"
"Just get back to looking mean, Wang."
"Sir!"

3 comments:

  1. Hahahahahaha!!!! Best entry YET. The pop video photo was hilarious! And ps. I'm on China's side. I have no idea what the bickering is about btw; it's just the American way to pick a side and go for it.

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  2. The actual issue is a bit thorny though isn't it. Tempers seem to be rising and I'm sure the odd finger is hovering over the order to FIRE!

    They'll be the death of us, I'm sure. It's 2012 after all...

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  3. Ah - I'm sure wars have been started for less, but surely not. I'll have a word. TTF.

    ReplyDelete