Wednesday, October 31, 2012


... (Child Scene Investigation)

I love stumbling across our children's play scenes and trying to guess what they were thinking. This week my wife and I came upon this set-up created by our daughter Lani.

A few minutes earlier it had been a vibrant and innocent piece of play dreamed up through the imagination of a seven-year-old.

Seen through the eyes of adults, however, it all led to just one question: What the hell happened here?

It was time to go all CSI. It's been harrowing, but after many long nights of analysis, we've tried to piece it together.

1. CCTV stills show the scene at 10.10am on October 30.
At first it appears a run-of-the-mill bedroom.
But closer inspection shows it's ...

2. ... the dental room at a Beijing medical clinic (which may
well be where the mother of a sweet, innocent-looking
seven-year-old works, hence the free stickers).

3. But now the aerial shot shows the room for what it is:
a scene of utter carnage. We see eight adult persons, all
deceased. There are signs of a struggle, including
upturned furniture and some equipment having been
cast to the floor.

4. But what's the deal with this thing: Some
sort of clock, perhaps? A pressure gauge for
some kind of tank? And who left the open
umbrella? And why is it right beside the bed?

5. We had the smaller items
dusted and sent to the
lab. And of course we
checked the bed for

6. Two female victims lie entwined in close proximity to
the only survivor. Has he just returned and discovered them?
Or is he just standing there staring at them? One of the
victims - a female Caucasian with red hair, blue eyes,
standing seven centimetres tall and with enormous feet -
has her legs in the air with her dress hitched up.
This also suggests a struggle. It is interesting to note the
sole survivor is the dentist. He is also a hedgehog.

7. To his rear lies a sickening mass of four
other victims, laid out in a sort of ritualised
line formation. Three of them are identified
as members of a royal family. Was
Lani recreating one of those scenes
of dental surgery regicide the kids all
seem to be into these days? Had she read
a book at school about how the Romanovs
slain at the start of the Russian
Revolution? At the dentist's?

8. At the back of the surgey lies a deceased member
of a Chinese tribal group.

- Are we dealing with an ethnic minority killer
here Elliot? Is he targeting the Miao - one of
China's 56 distinct ethnic groups, with all that
lovely hair and beadwork?

- Sick bastard! Think I'll go completely postal
on his ass.

- Easy Elliot! You're a good cop - but you're also a real
whackjob. You've got more issues than Newsweek
for God's sake. You're off the case! Again!

9. The presence of the Miao doll
raises one important question:
If you're going to give your kids
dolls, must they be politically
correct Chinese ethnic minority
dolls? Can't they be tall and skinny
with long hair and pointy breasts
like my sister used to have?
But wait - what's that tiny but
tell-tale detail in the right

Hmmmm ... 

10. Poor stiff. This guy tried to get to the
toilet but didn't make it. Maybe we're
looking at poisoning?

11. Now a new development. At 10.15am, we see
the dentist losing his footing, apparently woozy.

12. He falls down, possibly drunk or high on laughing gas.
It's then we notice he's not wearing any pants.

- Eight stiffs an' a dentist wit' no pants?
Think we got ourselves a perp'. Cuff
the hog an' take him downtown.

So there it is. Another one wrapped up by this no-nonsense team in the neat 48 minutes. But still there are questions that remain unanswered and lend themselves to a sequel:

Did the hedgehog-dentist really gas his victims? Why didn't he just use a drill? Or gnaw them to death?

Why was there a bed, toilet and sink in a dentist's room?

And why didn't our child pack up her toys when she had finished?!

And could this man ...

... also be this man?

And could this man ...

... be this man?!

Tune in, readers, when we find out all the answers right here at some stage in the future!

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