Sunday, November 18, 2012

SPECIAL NEWS FEATURE


China change 'over' says top official

By a Special Correspondent

BEIJING, Nov 26, TF News - China has officially finished changing, a government spokesman announced here today.

After decades of reform and opening up starting moments after a speech by Deng Xiaoping in 1979, the process of overhauling the country economically, politically and socially is now finally complete.

“It’s over. She’s done,” the spokesman told a packed press conference of intrigued China watchers and other pointy-headed nerds at the Great Hall of the People yesterday.

“We have reformed, modernised and opened up the country as much as we can now. Any more and it might break.”

The official said the completion of the process would at last put an end to 33 years of stories about the most dramatic change to a country seen since China’s previous one in the Cultural Revolution.

“It’s been remarkable, it really has,” the official said. “And we thought beating up landlords in the ‘70s was fun.

“It’s been wondrous to see how we’ve opened ourselves to western businesses, who have helped us with massive challenges like reforming our hulking state-owned enterprise sector.

“Along the way, we’ve seen some terrific social change too. But all those stories about how young people now wear short skirts and make-up, drive fancy cars and have other signs of new-found wealth – the kind of stories where we see an old man in a Mao suit doing tai-chi in front of a Ferrari or a construction site or something - they can stop now. We now know that’s what’s here.”

The official said that as of the end of this week, there’d be no more stories such as:

* How China’s “burgeoning middle class” – the only approved term for the band of people who’ve suddenly got all this money – all now have big TVs, drink Scotch and play golf.

* How China faces a vexing task in overhauling its health care system.

* The effects of the one-child policy, with four grandparents looking after one single spoiled little turd.

* The massive and dangerous situation of inequalities of wealth, especially between the prosperous coastal regions and the struggling interior where, we all know now, there are people living below the poverty line.

“All those Chinese who worried about what’s going to happen can stop worrying. It’s happened. This is what it looks like,” the official said.

”So everyone can stop interviewing old people who pine for the days when everyone was all poor together. As for any danger of increasing social unrest, we’ve had as much as we’re going to have.

“There’ll also be no more of this nonsense about some tiny village election in which about 50 people get to vote for some pre-selected party member, and how this might a harbinger of political change which means China will have democracy one day. It’s not and we won’t.

“To all those western businesses who came here thinking they’d get rich if they only sold every Chinese person one sock - give up. If you’ve learned one thing about Chinese people by now, it’s that we don’t buy single socks. We’re not that weird.

"And to those thinking the dinky little changes we made to get into the World Trade Organisation would trigger a so-called ‘Damascus moment’ where we realise the beauty of removing more trade barriers, I've got bad news for you. We've done what we said we'd do.

“Now bugger off.”

Stories about China’s improving infrastructure could also finally be turned off.

“All the subway lines are in, and once the current batch of buildings are finished, it’s all over. The last crane will come down on a building in Wuxi next Thursday, and that’ll do us.”



An old Beijing man looking unimpressed whilst riding
past a construction site and a sign with Chinese writing
on it. Pictures like this will soon be a thing of the past,
not the future, the official said.


Mick Jagger lets it all hang out while singing a song with
swearwords in it for mildly interested people in Shanghai.
The image was described by the official as "old hat".

Two scantily clad Chinese women next to a sports car.
When asked to comment on this image, the government
spokesman said: "Yeah yeah, whatever."

The official added “the whole rapid change story” - in which journalists could bandy about terms like “rampant growth” and “breakneck pace” - would now have to move on. “Maybe to an India, or a Russia, or one of those African ones,” he said.

“After years of taking our place on the world stage, we’re now on it. India and Russia are still climbing up at the back, behind your Britains, your Canadas and your Frances. And anyway, we know all about the world stage. It was made right here in Chongqing.”

The announcement rang alarm bells with seasoned China analysts last night.

“Well, the main ramification we can glean from this, looking at the tea leaves and reading between the lines,” said one old China hand with an air of smug superiority, “is that I’ll be out of a job.

“It’s a bloody disaster.

“I mean, who’s going to need some softly-spoken academic telling them about mystical eastern nuance, the Chinese way of doing things and where to sit at the banquet if the whole show is over? Even if I am one of three white people who know what Chinese person X really means when he’s saying this or not saying that, noone will give a shit.”


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