Wednesday, March 20, 2013



Here’s a REAL story, brought to my attention by a fanatical reader, from the Yangzhou Daily newspaper in Jiangsu province, near Shanghai, from Tuesday, March 12.

扬州一男尸手脚被绑缚沉河中 警方称溺水自杀
2013-03-12 14:03:12 来源:扬州网

[提要]  市、区两级警方立即启动命案处置预案,迅速抽调侦技人员赶赴现场,经勘查检验死者系溺水自杀身亡。被打捞上岸的男尸身穿棕色外套,戴白色手套,手脚被绑缚,身上还拴着一块窨井盖。但警方通过现场勘查、尸体检验等措施,现已排除他杀可能,确定死者系溺水自杀身亡。
  原标题:新城河昨打捞起一男尸手脚被绑缚 警方排除他杀可能
  中国网・滨海高新讯 昨天下午,位于望月桥附近的新城河中发现一具男尸。市、区两级警方立即启动命案处置预案,迅速抽调侦技人员赶赴现场,经勘查检验死者系溺水自杀身亡。

Ah. OK. It might be better if I put it in English.

It says, and I am not making this up, because you couldn't ...

YANGZHOU, March 12, 2013 – Yesterday afternoon in the New City River, near the Full Moon Bridge, a male body was found.

The City Police and the District Police immediately started an investigation and sent police to the scene, where they checked the dead person and concluded it was a drowning suicide.

The body was dressed in a brown coat with white gloves on its hands. Its hands and feet were tied, and there was a manhole cover tied to the body.

Onlookers were of the opinion the death was a murder. But police, through a field survey and inspection of the body, concluded it was a suicide.

At present, identification of the body has confirmed the man was a 30-year-old with the surname of Chen, who was from Lianzhou City, Guangdong province.

Police have already contacted his family. The reason for his suicide is still under investigation.



Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ...

Aaaaahm ...

Look, I'm not off CSI or anything. I wasn't there. Far be it from me to jump to conclusions.

But ... it's just that ... it's sort of ... I just think ...

I have at least watched the odd cop show, so while this is tricky, I'll try to piece it together.

The poor man's last moments hardly bear thinking about. As if he wasn't in a bad enough way to be contemplating taking his own life, he's really made it hard for himself, hasn't he? He's earned this suicide.

But you're left wondering what he did first: Tie his feet together? Or attach the manhole cover to his person? But I think it's a safe bet to say he tied his hands together last, using his teeth to pull the knot. The Chinese are clever with tying knots. But, aw gee, how can we be sure?

And did he do all this and then 'pogo' or wriggle up the bridge, before raising one last effort to get himself over the railing and off? Or did he carry his rope and manhole cover up the bridge, and then tie himself up?

And were the gloves there to conceal something else? Maybe that he'd pulled his fingernails out first?

Police work is tough, so we may never know. Perhaps he was trying one of those daring 'magician' escapes as seen on TV. Then again, they all carry warnings that those guys are trained professionals and that this sort of endeavour should not be tried at home, so maybe not.

Maybe the most significant aspect of the case is that the man's body was discovered 1300km (850 miles) away from some possibly inquisitive relatives in Lianzhou. So perhaps his greatest mistake was being found too far from home. Or else too close to lunchtime.

One thing's for sure, as the last paragraph suggests, the constabulary will leave no stone unturned in its quest to investigate why this one man among 1.3 billion decided to senselessly end his own life.

Yangzhou's chief of police, yesterday.

*  *  *


China's border police have also been busy, as this poster I found in the international department of our local post office relates.

I'm pretty sure it translates as this:



On October 13, 2010, Beijing airport customs officials
apprehended a slightly-built Caucasian male in his
mid-to-late 30s, after receiving information that his trousers
had some heroin in them. In accordance with the promulgated
statutes and by-laws of the People's Republic of China,
this is bad. In fact, it's illegal!


The man was detained and placed in a
chair with a lap belt across it, so he couldn't
get away. Then he was made to be quiet and
wait in the background whilst checks were
carried out on the offending menswear implement.


Trouble threatened to break out when the man became agitated
and attempted to snatch the trousers out of the officers' hands,
saying: "Give me back my trousers. They're mine! They're mine!"
The officers replied: "Not yet."
Acting in accordance with the Customs Act of 1991, the
officers then took a decision to move further away, in order
that the man couldn't reach. They also informed him that
under the sovereign law of the People's Republic of China,
which brooks no foreign interference, they were entitled to
hold the pants for longer.


After some time, the man agreed to write a confession,
and to hold it up while posing for a photograph with
the officers, which said: "I should not have had heroin in
my trousers and I won't do it again." The man then had
the pants returned to his possession along with a number
of "personal valuables" contained in a security belt he liked
to conceal under his shirt. He was then allowed to proceed
with his holiday as the case was now closed.

(ED's note: It seems, since I posted this, there's been a bit of confusion. Just so noone's in any doubt, the top bit about the body in the river and what police thought of it, was real. All too real. It's a real story from the Yanghou Daily, which I reproduced in Chinese, then had translater by a professional. The bottom bit - it's a real poster, but the words have been interpreted, rather than translated, by the author.)

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